Who Am I Round 2

I know many of you may notice that I already have a blog titled this, but I felt the need to update it. That was one of the first things that wrote and shared with the world. Although everything in that blog is right, it stems from a life long struggle I was dealing with since childhood and had no idea. 

The answer to this question is that I have no idea who I am. I am still trying to figure that out!

I will talk about some of the stuff in this blog covered in my other blogs, but stick with me; I promise it will all make sense.  

After my first divorce in 2017, I knew something was wrong, it had been for a long time but I never knew what it was or affected me. It was not until I sought guidance through a therapist that some clarity finally came to me. 

Since childhood, my sisters can attest that I was a bossy all-knowing kid, who liked to boss others around. I wanted to win any game we were playing. And I wanted to be involved in anything and everything. I hated to sit still, and if something was challenging or exciting, I just moved on to the next thing. I ain’t got time for that. That was my motto. 

Then from 9 to 10 years old, something terrible happened that I buried deep inside for years. So much so that I had blocked and forgotten many details of these years until going through PTSD Therapy in 2017. It was through this process that I relived being molested by my uncle several times. He always did this to me in his vehicles on a dirt road down from my house.  His hold over me was that if I ever told anyone at all he would kill my dad. I could not and would not allow that to happen so I never spoke of it. I managed to stay clear of him after I couldn’t take it anymore. I would use every excuse in the book to not go to his house to visit and I would make sure I did not end up in a vehicle with him. I managed to do that and obviously blocked all memory of the events without even knowing it. 

Throughout middle school and high school, I fought hard to be myself. The outgoing, energetic person that I longed to be. What I did not know was that I was fighting an inner demon. I thought I was dirty, trashy, and not loveable. This turned into me making terrible decisions when it came to dating in high school. 

I went through my phase of physically and mentally abusive boyfriends. I should have known then that red flags were flying, but no, I thought I was not worthy of anything better.

I got married at the age of 18 and thought finally I was wanted and loved. Now I am digging deep here. I know that my husband and I loved each other, and we had some exceptional and loving moments together. We did have two beautiful children that we both love so very much. But in the end, due to his childhood and mine, we both were just toxic for each other. We rarely showed each other the love that the other deserved.

We were married for 17 years. During 11 of those years, I stayed home with the kids and homeschooled them. During that time I had no idea but I was growing more and more lonely. My kids were the only people I spoke to most days. He traveled for work most of that time and that left for a very lonely house. I spent much of my 20’s and 30’s with it just being me and my kids. I did get them involved in groups and sports, but I did not push to grow my tribe. Something I now know is really important. 

I know guy’s this is dragging on but I promise I am going somewhere with this. Stick with me a bit longer. 

In December of 2016, He finally was the one to say this is it. If he would not have done that I don’t know that I would have ever had the nerve to say this is not working. In my head, I was supposed to stay in my marriage until at least both of the kids had graduated high school. Like what sense does that make? I was so confused. 

The life of being a single mom who was still trying to homeschool the kids began. About halfway through 2017, I discover that I needed to go to work. I absolutely loved the job I got. I was working at our local airport. It was so challenging and exciting. Around this same time is when I started following the SlimFast Plan. I was beginning to feel like I was accomplishing things for myself. I could feel my confidence growing. It was also around this time that I started dating my best friend. I was so completely over the moon, excited with life. 

Or at least I thought I was. I didn’t know that deep down; I still was struggling with a few things. 

 I was still that 9-year-old girl who thought she was not worthy, not loveable, and needed to keep a wall up from all men in my life. What is crazy is that I did not see that as the relationship was growing, to me it was going fantastic. In fact, I am the one who pushed for more commitment; I pushed and hinted about a proposal. I was super excited about the wedding and everything leading up to the wedding. Then once we said I Do I started seeing signs that made me go hmmm.   

By the spring of this year, I realized something was not right. At this point, I had encountered some issues with working at the airport and went from working there to another company that I am currently working for. It was a lot of changes. I was so confused. I did not know who I was or what I wanted. Physically I had a hysterectomy surgery and a year later I had two bulging discs replaced. I was physically and mentally tired. I was lost. I am still lost…

In mid-June, my second divorce was final. I was like what just happened. I was growing more lost by the day. I still have no idea who I am or what I aspire to be, but the important thing is that I never give up. Other changes that came along in the past few months are my son who is 15 asking to go live with his dad. Man, that was a blow…… I took it so to heart. I thought it must have been because I am a bad mom. I didn’t try hard enough or give him enough attention. Surly him wanting to do this was because of me. HELLO AMANDA not everything is about you. He never really gave me a reason but said he felt the need to try it, so I finally got over myself and agreed on a trial basis, of course. I can not give in that easily. 

I am currently working remotely for work which allowed me to move away from home for the first time. Like seriously I have always lived with or very close to my parents. I have my daughter with me who is 18 and has always wanted to move out of our small town. She is adjusting well and excited about the job hunt she is on. Although she wishes, the airlines would open back up so she could fulfill her dream of being a flight attendant.  I have also started dating someone. I know I know you are probably thinking really….. But I want to be truly open and honest with you. The difference this time is that we are taking things really slow! I am truly working on my self-worth, on truly learning to love myself. I am working really hard to go out on my own and do things. To not depend on a man to guide me in what to do or say. I can be a strong-willed person at times and put up walls. I am learning to communicate with true understanding and compassion and not put up walls or get defensive. These are all really hard task for me. 

If you stuck with me through this long journey called my life, thank you. What all this rambling was about is to tell you that most everyone’s life is truly complicated. Some things happen in life that others may not know about or are ashamed to share, but that affects their actions and behaviors. I now know what my attributes and flaws are. I am ready to work on AMANDA. I am 38, and I Do Not Know Who I Am.  Now, will you join me in figuring out where to go in life from here?