WHY

For the longest, I thought I was the only one to think this way, but after many discussions in my group therapy, I have realized I am not alone.

Have you ever found yourself asking these questions? 

Why do I find it so hard to believe in myself, be proud of myself, and see the value I bring to this world? Why do I constantly feel like I am unworthy of good things? I am always doubting my ability. I feel the need to help and fix others rather than put myself and my needs first!

WHY

I am working on my skills to retrain my brain to not allow myself this negative talk. But boy is it hard to stop.

Most negative talk is a result of something traumatic that happened in childhood or early adulthood. Some examples are childhood trauma, relationship problems with a parent or partner, as well as many more. 

Negative self-talk feeds my anxiety. When I allow this talk to go on in my head my insecurities skyrocket. Knowing this, I still seem to allow it to happen. Even after years of therapy and working hard to heal/overcome the traumas I have experienced I struggle.

I have so much doubt about what I am capable of, who I am, and what I am doing. 

Something I often say in our group is that I wish I could for just a few minutes be in someone else’s body and see myself, just so I can see what they see. What I mean by this is that my family, friends, and group family always tell me how amazing I am. How proud they are of me. They remind me of the things I have gone through and overcome. How strong I am. What a good wife and mother I am. 

BUT, I am sitting over here going, thank you but REALLY? Like what do I think, all of these trusted people in my life are lying to me. I mean why would they say these things if they did not believe them to be true?

I just wish when someone gives me a compliment or comments on how far I have come, I could proudly look up and say Thank You! And TRULY BELIEVE THE WORDS THEY HAVE SAID TO ME!!! 

I am getting better at this, but the struggle is real. 

I know there are so many people out there that live with self-doubt. Some of the most confident people that you may know may struggle with this and you would never know. 

I work really hard to not let my insecurities show. I strive not to let anyone see my weakness, but I am just saying if you had a front-row seat inside my brain for just a day you would be like GIRL!!!!

Something I have found to be the most problematic for me is that my insecurities and self-doubt end up hurting some of the most precious things in my life. For example, I accomplished some pretty amazing things this past year, but instead of being proud of myself my fear takes over and I start talking down on either how I could have done it better or how now that I accomplished the task it is sure to fail and not do well. 

Another downfall to this negative self-talk is that I start questioning relationships. I do not like to admit this but this is a thought that goes through my brain often. My relationship is too good to be true. He is going to soon realize that he is too good for me, he is going to find someone more confident, someone prettier, someone who does not get in their head and overthink all of the time, someone more talented. AGAIN ONCE I WRITE THIS OUT I WANT TO SLAP MYSELF. I know this is crazy talk and insecurities like these can destroy relationships, so why do I do it?

I ask myself are you trying to sabotage yourself? I mean that is what it sounds like. But I realize these patterns of negative self-talk come from things that have happened in my past. What I now have to tell myself is the past is the past and I am working on the NOW the NEW the HEALTHY Version of Me!

This is what I have been working on for months, no more like years. I am working hard to stop the negative self-talk and learn to embrace who I am. To be proud of where I am in life. To cheer me on in this very tough world we live in. To show up for me daily. I know that once I get stronger in this area other things in my life will blossom and shine through.

I just felt the need to share these words with you today because I realize I am not the only one out there that is way too hard on herself. I hope that if you struggle with thoughts like these or similar feelings you will seek help or start a journey of your own to work through these thoughts and emotions and begin the healing process to move forward in life in a positive manner.