Choices In Life
The choices you make in your life are the responsibility of no one but YOU! Don’t get upset with me; keep an open mind as you read this blog.
I recently saw a post on Facebook where someone was vocal about how choices you have made in your life are yours and to stop blaming them on your past, your parents, and so on. It got me thinking.
I struggled with understanding my feelings for most of my young adult life. I never blamed anyone, I was just lost and very confused.
Then in my early thirties, I started therapy which was an eye-opening experience. After going through EMDR therapy I uncovered so much from my childhood. I knew it had happened all along but I had buried it. During this treatment, all of the events and memories from childhood and my teen years came flooding back in a very intense way.
I was furious, scared, disgusted, ashamed, and struggling to deal with the reality of these events. I stayed in therapy but I found myself doing the blame game. I truly did not see that I was doing it at the time but now that I look back I was. I was blaming all of my bad choices and troubles in life on what had happened to me.
It is so easy to blame someone else for your actions. It stings a bit to take ownership of those decisions. This is something that took some time to realize. I have been working on a project over the past couple of years and it has helped me to see things so differently. Yes someone did some pretty awful things to me as a child and I endured more trauma as a teen, but I have moved through life making decisions all on my own. Those people that affected me did not hold me at gunpoint and told me to make each bad or good decision throughout life. I made those.
It has taken me years to realize the difference between blaming someone else for your actions and taking ownership of them. Now I will say that the process is not easy. It is easy to blame others for things rather than taking ownership of your actions.
Something I’ve been working on in group therapy is identifying my attachment style.
What is attachment?
Attachment is an emotional bond that forms in early childhood when we are 10 to 20 months old based on our parents’ behavior.
Unconscious patterns become set in place by the time we are two years old. Our attachment style is at the core of how we form adult relationships whether they are romantic or friendships.
What is an attachment disturbance?
An attachment disturbance is a dysfunctional relationship pattern that we repeat as adults.
These patterns are a consequence of conditioning during early childhood from our parents or caregivers.
How does attachment impact our daily lives?
Our attachment styles shape the way we approach, communicate in, and effect our relationships. It might even predict the quality and duration of those relationships.
The influence of attachment even goes beyond relationships. It impacts the way we interact in various social contexts (even at work) and most importantly, the way we feel about ourselves.
Once I understood what my attachment style was and what it meant, things were clear. A very small amount of my attachment style comes from young childhood but the rest comes from my childhood trauma involving another person.
It was refreshing to study and understand this so that my relationships will no longer be affected by this vicious cycle. I am currently still working on skills to work through this but it was so in lightning that I felt the need to share.
I know that what happened to me sucks, but it doesn’t define me or give me permission to blame that on my current life choices. I am responsible for my choices and actions, and thankfully I am learning the way to make healthier choices.
Today I encourage you to work hard to overcome any trauma you have encountered. You deserve a happy life that is not full of anxiety and doubt mixed with the unknown emotions within you.
I am not a professional on the topic of mental health but I love sharing what is unfolding in my journey to hopefully help others. I am always available with a listening ear, just shoot me an email anytime at info@amandalynette.com.
Facts and information from attachmentproject.com