I Am A Warrior

I have written, erased, written, and erased this blog so many times. 

I always seem to have a hard time opening up and expressing my true self, but in reality, that is what I want this page, this blog, my life to be based on—real raw honesty. So here goes.

If you read my recent blog Who Am I Round 2, then you will remember these few sentences…. “I have also started dating someone. I know I know you are probably thinking really….. But I want to be truly open and honest with you.”

Well, guess what that did not work out! The past two days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. One that I still can’t seem to get off.  I have gotten it to slow down but have not found the exit yet. 

Shortly after my last divorce, I started dating what I would consider one of my best friends, coworkers, and all-around just an awesome guy. We have known each other for years, and it just felt right. Things moved rather quickly, and before I knew it, we were moving down south together to start a new adventure in life. It quickly became evident that he had one vision for our relationship and future, and I had a totally different one. 

Okay, who can genuinely say that they are 100% in love with themselves and capable of being alone. If you raised your hand, then please message me or email me because I need some advice. 

I have some significant issues when it comes to self-love and feeling like I am enough in this world standing alone. I think I need and I really want that man beside me to push and encourage me. To nudge in the right direction when I get depressed or down on myself. One that will say good job when he knows I have worked really hard on a project and see it to the end. I want that man who will grab my hand in public and stop to dance with me when a slow song comes on the radio. I want that man who loves to share “us,” our relationship with family and friends. A man who knows my kids come first. I know, I really want a lot…… Some may say it is a fairy tale dream. This list of relationship goals that do not exist.  

I will hold on to the hope that one day that person and I will meet, and that fairy tale will become a reality, but sadly he is not the one it will be with. 

The conversation needed to happen. You could say I knew it was coming. But it didn’t make it hurt any less. To be told that you are not what someone wants or needs sucks. To know that the path of your lives is headed in two different directions, especially when you, in your mind, saw years of adventure and happiness ahead. It is a blow!

They say when a relationship ends that you have to process the emotions, and that is what I have been doing. Today I can actually function. I got out of bed, did my hair and makeup, and ate like I am supposed to. That speaks volumes compared to yesterday!!  I have gone through hurt, sadness, anger, and the self-pity party. All of my usual thoughts came to mind. I am not enough. I am not worthy. No one will ever truly love me for me…. Like all of me with my quirks and crazy energy full of emotions self. 

After processing, I realize that God has bigger plans for me. He has been trying to get me to LOVE myself for years. I just kept fighting it, wanting a man by my side to do that. It is time I genuinely learn who AMANDA is and what path SHE and SHE alone is supposed to be on. 

I know that I still have my ex as a best friend to talk to and often checks on me. I am still on this adventure with my co-worker / best friend, who really wants nothing but the best for me. I really love my job and the work that we do together, but I have to figure out what is next for me.

I do know that God does not give us more than we can handle and that everything in life truly happens for a reason. I am excited and utterly terrified of the adventure ahead. 

I am currently working on steps to pull me out of my comfort zone and really try to find out who I am and what I want for my life. I never in my life thought I would be doing life without a child or man by my side but here goes nothing!!! Amanda’s Adventure Continues!!!  

**Update to this Blog:

Once the pressure was off and the dust settled we are doing really well. We are enjoying our relationship and time together. I am excited to see where the future takes us. I am still working on myself, I have joined a Zumba class and I am venturing out on my own more often. Life is ever-changing that is one thing I am proof of! No matter what keep your head up and stay positive!