Life Everchanging
It has been far too long since I sat down to write. I have wanted to blog for so long, and yet I find it comes in waves. I will try and stop letting life and my emotions get in the way and start being faithful to my desire to write and share.
This particular blog is going to be a bit lengthy, but I hope you will stick with me. I have a lot to share. I will add many shorter blogs from this one that breaks down mainly the past two years of life, but God has laid it on my heart to put this one out there. If you are struggling with self-worth, feel as though you are never enough, you always put others first and talk down to yourself. I asked you to listen up and hopefully learn from my mistakes.
Thanks to Facebook and the memories that pop up each day, I am traveling back in time for this post. As I had finished a very long and stressful work week that caused me to travel from home, I found myself sitting in a hotel lobby scrolling through Facebook Memories.
I left that hotel on a four-hour drive home. I chatted with my co-worker for a bit to recap the week, talked with my boyfriend for a few minutes, and listened to audiobooks the rest of the drive. While listening to that book, I had some major Aha moments.
Since a young child, I have been bossy, my sisters have always told me that. Still, something I discovered is that since encountering some pretty traumatic moments in grade school and as a teenager, I am only that bossy Amanda around those I trust, love, and know that they will not harm or chastise me for being bossy or shall we say confident in what is happening in life. For far too long, I have allowed men to scare me. I gave them power, probably without them even knowing or at least letting on that they knew. I chose to have men in my life who mistreated me or who overshadowed me. After years of therapy, I now understand why I did that, but at the time, I had no clue.
I went straight from high school and finishing cosmetology school to being married and shortly after becoming a mom. Two years past and I found myself at the age of 24, married and a mom to two beautiful children. The following ten years passed in a blur. I worked in a few different fields, including banking, medical reception, church secretary, and freelance photographer. I always aspired to have my own business and provide for my family. I tried that through photography and pyramid companies offering jewelry, make-up, and weight loss products. I was never successful at any of my attempts.
One memory that recently popped up while chatting with my therapist shines a little light as to why. I have blocked out so many moments in my life. I am still not sure why or how my brain has done that, but through EMDR therapy, I have discovered some big moments that make things make more sense to me. One that hit me was when I was working extremely hard to get a thriving photography business off the ground. I had gone out and booked a photo shoot. I was so excited; I was making things happen. I remember my husband at the time coming home, and I was so happy to show him the pictures. He looked at them and looked at me and said, these are ok, but they really look pretty amateur. I mean, I could probably take better photos. You need to try harder. At that moment, I believed him. I just knew I would never be good at taking pictures, so why keep trying. I can name thousands of events similar to this one, but I want to move along.
Being a mom is truly what kept me going in life. There were so many days I felt I did not deserve to live or belong anywhere on this earth. But then I would look at my children, and I just knew I could not leave them. Some days were darker than others, but I kept trucking along. When my daughter was in first grade, we discovered she had dyslexia, and the decision was made that I would homeschool her. I then went on to homeschool my son as well. He is now in his senior year! Wow, how did that happen? Time flies moms. Cherish each moment.
Looking back through my journals, I realized that in 2013/2014, I started wanting to be involved more. My daughter loved doing pageants with a purpose, and we found one we truly loved. Miss Heart of the USA was my next big adventure. Still very low in self-esteem and confidence, I signed on to compete with my daughter. To my shock, I won the state pageant that year, as well as my daughter winning her division. I still have no clue how. I am pretty sure I cried in my interview and talked like a zombie during the onstage introduction. That started the years of trying to pursue great things again. I had a fire lite inside of me.
I started directing for the system in the following years and met some extraordinary ladies along the way. We then found Wold Imperial Beauties. I know this system was sent to us from God. When you think or hear of pageants, many think of toddlers in tiara, but one of my now best friends, Patrina, had something else in mind when creating her system—helping others! That is what it is all about. Yes, you compete in a pageant to win the title, but you work all year long to give back to others once crowned a World Imperial Beauties Queen. I am thankful that the day we entered her pageant has led to years of friendship that I cherish daily. But, I am getting a bit ahead of myself.
Working in the pageant world was not making any money for my family. I still hated that. All I wanted to do was provide. I wanted to have a savings account. I wanted to know if something terrible happened,, I would be able to take care of myself and the kids. During these years I also started volunteering at the local county fair. I VOLUNTEERED yep once again no income for six years, and four of those years I held an office. That comes with a lot of work and responsibility with no pay. But I loved the work, so I kept with it. Hoping one day, it would lead to a job or career path.
In December of 2016, my marriage of sixteen years came to an end. The divorce was final in June of 2017. I was lost more than ever. I tried to be a good mom and focus on the kids like I always did, but I found myself drifting. I was not sure what way was up. I did not realize it at the time, but I was a co-dependent person. I did not know how to be alone. I was unsure how to think or do anything for myself. I found myself with the reality that I had to get a job. I was blessed to get a local job in town that was flexible enough to still homeschool the kids. It was in the aviation field, and though I never thought I would work in aviation, but there I was. I started dating one of my family friends suddenly and loved the work I was doing. I had a great boss who believed in me. I also started the journey I love with SlimFast! You can read about that in many of my other blogs.
I could feel my confidence growing. I was growing stronger and braver with each day. Once again, I will say it, what I did not realize is that I was still being very co-dependent and never learned to indeed be alone.
Life moved along, and I quickly married. We became a blended family. On the surface, everything was great. We were moving through life and navigating all of the personalities in the house along the way. In November of 2019, only five months after getting married, I found myself at the end of a year-long work battle, unsure of where I would find a job next, as well as feeling lonely and unwanted. My husband, of not even a year, barely looked at me. We argued often, and I was sure there was someone else. I was so defeated!! I give my all to everything I do, and I keep getting screwed. I just don’t get it. How can I do better? What is wrong with me. These are the questions I kept asking myself.
By the new year, I had started with another company still in aviation, and I was so excited because it included travel and so many new opportunities. But what I didn’t realize is that my newfound confidence and decision not to let a man pull me down again was killing my marriage. Things were said, and actions that I am not proud of were made. This and many other things led to the end of my second marriage. I didn’t even make it a year married to what was one of my best friends.
Still being the codependent woman I was, I wasted no time and started dating right away! NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF, never date a coworker or someone just divorced! I see now the error in my ways, but at the same time, I truly believe this person allowed me to become the woman I am today.
The saying bittersweet really applies to the year and few months we dated. He encouraged me to try new things, to reach way out of my comfort zone. He moved my daughter and me to Cape Coral. My son decided to try living with his dad full-time. This was huge for me. It was the first time I had ever left my hometown to live somewhere else. To have one of my children not with me. It was scary and exciting at the same time. I loved it; my daughter did not. She came back to our home next door to my parents to live. She was 18 at the time, so I was ok with that. In November of 2020, he was offered a great job opportunity in Las Vegas, and I had the hard decision of moving out west or going back home. I chose to move out west. It was an experience I think I was meant to have. We laughed, we traveled, we partied, we had so many fun adventures. He provided a way to have my loved ones experience Las Vegas. I am genuinely grateful for that relationship. It showed me how to have fun and cut loose, but it also showed me how I wish never to be treated again and how I wish never to treat someone else. Late summer of this year, that relationship ended not as kindly as I had wished, but I guess I knew in my heart it was over. I just did not want to accept it. Once again, I failed at a relationship. I FAILED! That is all that kept going through my mind.
Once back home with my kids for a few months, I was truly learning to love myself and be alone. To pay my bills and run my budget all by myself. To have to make so many decisions on my own without asking someone’s advice. I had to stop being codependent. Let me tell you, that was so scary and hard to do. I still struggle at times. When something pops up, I want to grab the phone and call someone to see what they think, then I stop myself and talk myself through it. I am a strong, capable woman. I have learned from my mistakes. I have learned to sit in silence and journal my own thoughts before sharing information with others. I have stopped worrying about what my small town is going to think or say. I have learned to be me and love it! I know that people will always make assumptions and possibly gossip, but that stuff no longer matters. I am moving forward through life for myself and my family. That is all that truly matters.
I titled this life everchanging because it genuinely is. For me, I have found that my second husband and I called it quits way too fast. We both genuinely love one another and want nothing but the best for each other. So we are dating!!! That is it! Dating, for the first time in my life, I am dating someone I love spending time with. I am not living with him or asking for his help with bills or decisions that pertain to my two children and me. But I am dating him. I am falling in love with him all over again. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today, I choose to be happy. I will share joy. I chose to write and post to lift others up and show them that we are all human. I will continue to work hard in the job that I love. I will continue to pursue the goals I have set for myself.
Life is messy and ever-changing. Let the past and all of the mistakes you have made be the past, and work hard to embrace the present moments. Aspire to be a better version of yourself each day. We are all human. Be kind and forgiving! I am going to embrace and own my bossy qualities from now on.
With so much Love,
Amanda